I know it's been a year now...and it's still so hard to talk about you. I miss you so much Mexi... I still remember like it was yesterday. It was the day of your death and I had woke up at the exact time you killed yourself. I looked at the clock, turned off my alarm, and went back to sleep. I always thought that when someone you loved died you felt something. Like something wasn't right in the world...but I didn't. I still feel so bad...I feel like I SHOULD of known, but I didn't. I had no clue. I didn't find out about your death until the day after. Jordan told me and I broke down. I had no idea what to think. I hoped he was lying, I prayed that he was lying. I cried for so long... When I finally realized he wasn't lying I asked when the funeral was and promised I'd go. I got up extra early and went to Jordan's house the day of. I almost crawled into bed with him just so I could cuddle with him, instead I woke him up and got him dressed. That day I think I was closer to Jordan than I have ever been. I really don't remember when we left the house, but we got there early, that I do remember. When they finally opened the doors we went inside. I couldn't bring myself to go down front and see you. I didn't want to see you, I didn't want to have to face the reality of your death. I wanted it all to be a joke, I wanted you to sit up and be like, "Haha just kidding, we got you didn't we?" But it didn't happen.. Then that stupid ass girl that you loved, that you killed yourself over, came with your beautiful baby. God she is so beautiful, and I hope she ends up looking more like you than her. Well that girl came with her new boyfriend, I about near went to beat her ass. How dare she bring him to your funeral..how dare she? If it wasn't for your baby I didn't want her there at all. She didn't deserve to be there. I sat down next to the family and waited for it all to begin. Dad went up and spoke and I cried again. I think I cried through most of it. At the end we got up in the line to walk by the main part of your blood family....and by your open coffin.. That's when the real tears started. I had to brace myself to look at you, god the courage I had to build up. But looking at you laying there like nothing was wrong...like you were only asleep... It broke my heart and killed what little hope I had that you were making a joke. My tears started anew and I had to move. I hugged and cried against Jordan and Josh. Soon they carried you out and we were on our way to the graveyard. I stood there and got in line to put my rose on your coffin. Then they started burying you...and then more tears. When it was over we left and I didn't go home til late. I still think about you all the time. I still plan on getting a tattoo of your name/intials. I didn't realize how much I missed you until Saturday...the first year after your death. From time to time I write you messages on Gaia and on Myspace telling you how much I miss you. And I do miss you...so much..
I hope that in heaven you look down on me from time to time and realize you miss me too. I also hope that you are better now, that all your problems are gone and that you are nothing but happy. I cannot wait until the day we are all together again. Whether it happens soon or takes years and years, I still cannot wait.
i miss you
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