Sister?

Recently there has been a lot of drama going on in my group of friends. I absolutely hate drama but that is not why I am writing this. This drama included two people that I consider family. Ama and Fried Rice. They were in a relationship and the relationship ended badly, very badly. Well because I refused to take sides Ama decided that I was choosing sides. That small choice on her end destoryed a lot of her faith in me. Finally she told me she was sorry for making me choose sides and then we stopped talking. We didn't talk to each other for months. Finally I sent her an e-mail asking her why she didn't answer anyone's text messages, asking if something was wrong. I also asked about K who had had a minor heart attack. Then at the end of this e-mail I told her, "I love you sis". About a day later she texted me back and everything was fine. We talked about K and about how we were doing each. Then she said she had to go because of lunch and that we'd talk later. HOURS later I got this text message from her. When I read this message I was in total shock. It said something like this, "Ira something you said eariler bothered me. Ira I wanted you to know I do not consider you a sister anymore. You may be my friend, but you are not my sister." In a way I know why she said it but in a way I don't. I feel like my life is going under. I thought me and Ama would go to school together, live as neighbors, and raise our kids together. But because of this drama that everyone was dragged into that was messed up. Why couldn't the drama between them just be between them? Why did it have to ruin that friendship? This is why I hate when friends date because things like this happen. Ama also did this with Virus but it wasn't as bad. I just don't know what to do...what to say...what to think.

Dear Mexi...

I know it's been a year now...and it's still so hard to talk about you. I miss you so much Mexi... I still remember like it was yesterday. It was the day of your death and I had woke up at the exact time you killed yourself. I looked at the clock, turned off my alarm, and went back to sleep. I always thought that when someone you loved died you felt something. Like something wasn't right in the world...but I didn't. I still feel so bad...I feel like I SHOULD of known, but I didn't. I had no clue. I didn't find out about your death until the day after. Jordan told me and I broke down. I had no idea what to think. I hoped he was lying, I prayed that he was lying. I cried for so long... When I finally realized he wasn't lying I asked when the funeral was and promised I'd go. I got up extra early and went to Jordan's house the day of. I almost crawled into bed with him just so I could cuddle with him, instead I woke him up and got him dressed. That day I think I was closer to Jordan than I have ever been. I really don't remember when we left the house, but we got there early, that I do remember. When they finally opened the doors we went inside. I couldn't bring myself to go down front and see you. I didn't want to see you, I didn't want to have to face the reality of your death. I wanted it all to be a joke, I wanted you to sit up and be like, "Haha just kidding, we got you didn't we?" But it didn't happen.. Then that stupid ass girl that you loved, that you killed yourself over, came with your beautiful baby. God she is so beautiful, and I hope she ends up looking more like you than her. Well that girl came with her new boyfriend, I about near went to beat her ass. How dare she bring him to your funeral..how dare she? If it wasn't for your baby I didn't want her there at all. She didn't deserve to be there. I sat down next to the family and waited for it all to begin. Dad went up and spoke and I cried again. I think I cried through most of it. At the end we got up in the line to walk by the main part of your blood family....and by your open coffin.. That's when the real tears started. I had to brace myself to look at you, god the courage I had to build up. But looking at you laying there like nothing was wrong...like you were only asleep... It broke my heart and killed what little hope I had that you were making a joke. My tears started anew and I had to move. I hugged and cried against Jordan and Josh. Soon they carried you out and we were on our way to the graveyard. I stood there and got in line to put my rose on your coffin. Then they started burying you...and then more tears. When it was over we left and I didn't go home til late. I still think about you all the time. I still plan on getting a tattoo of your name/intials. I didn't realize how much I missed you until Saturday...the first year after your death. From time to time I write you messages on Gaia and on Myspace telling you how much I miss you. And I do miss you...so much..
I hope that in heaven you look down on me from time to time and realize you miss me too. I also hope that you are better now, that all your problems are gone and that you are nothing but happy. I cannot wait until the day we are all together again. Whether it happens soon or takes years and years, I still cannot wait.

i miss you

Hmmm...

Well last week I went to band camp. It was amazing. I got to see Chase again and spent most of my time hanging out with him. He's such a sweet heart and so is his twin. I just feel so bad for him because his girlfriend, or ex by now, is such a little bitch. She deleted his ex girlfriend's number out of his phone and then made a rumor about the girl. I mean what kind of girl does that? I think she's a coward and a little too insecure. Plus she was prissy and in my mind was not for him. Thankfully he finally noticed it when she wasn't around him. Although they have been together for a while, I feel so bad for him. But he's such a good guy and he does not deserve that. Oh and like I guess it must be in the air because I have another friend, Zack, whose girlfriend broke up with him. And she told him a week BEFORE she broke up with him that Falls Creek is where she and her last BF broke up. And then she broke up with him after Falls Creek. I mean seriously? She should of just broke up with him then. She had to of been thinking about that for a long time if she got up the courage to tell him that and then I think she waited to break up with him until after Falls Creek that way she could go still. I mean really? What is up with people? OH and then another friend's BF broke up with her because he got "closure" from their last relationship. What kind of jerk ass move is that?

NOW on a much brighter note, MY BUDDY BRINA GOT HERSELF A BOYFRIEND!!! I am so happy for her. Josh is a good guy and I think he will do her right besides what others think. I am so happy. She deserves to have a good guy after all this time and that stupid boy who I think she needs to forget. So I know you will read this Brina, I say good for you, she deserve it. I am very happy for you.

Now my love life is kinda existant. There is Colton, Chase, Andrew, and Kris. Colton is my baby and has been since jr. high. I love that boy so much, but there is a problem with drama and how everyone would react. I've already mostly lost my bestfriend, I don't want to lose her anymore and if I were to date Colton I would lose her completely.

Chase has been previously mentioned and you guys know about that. The only problem with that is he lives like four hours away from me.

Andrew is the man I plan on marrying. Lol I think that's 'nough said on that one. Besides that I LOVE HIM SOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kris is the guy who was previously mentioned on the post before this. I think I can FINALLY get over him. But I still hold onto a sliver a hope, useless hope, but hope nonetheless.

Well there is my stupid love life lol. It's kinda just there but not doing anything for me. Oh well right? When it happens it will happen. =]

Well that's enough for now. I've finished my rant now. Soooo talk to you guys later.

Words to Panthere

Dude you know you make me so angry. You'd think you'd be smart enough to know when a good thing is here waiting for you. Now I know I can never say this to your face. I'm not that brave, but sometimes I wish I was. With you...gawd your so fickle. I don't know when I touch a bad spot and I'm always tip-toeing around you to make sure I don't because if I lost you, I'd lose myself. Man you drive me so crazy it's unbelieveable. I wake up in the mornings hoping and wishing, "Today will be the day he realizes I'm perfect for him." And every day I am disappointed. It seems that to you all I am good for is a quick f**k and that's it. But you keep telling me, "it's not you it's me." Haha yeah right. Every guy says that honey. You are not the first. You tell me you are afraid of ruining out friendship, honey you are doing more damage to it by not dating me than you would be by dating me. Everyone tells me to move on but what they don't realize is I've tried. I made a bet to not talk to you and damned if every second I didn't talk to you that my heart was not aching and BEGGING me to just lose the bet. Oh and when you finally gave in and held me to you I felt so...right. So loved, so damned special I nearly cried. I thought, "Maybe now he realizes what I am to him, maybe now he knows what life would be like without me." All the while you loved someone else. Haha wow stupid could I of been? I mean what girl is stupid enough to chase a guy who is already in love? Because I knew she wasn't the one for you, I was and always will be. I foolishly hoped that once she broke your heart you'd realize it then, but still no. I know it was awful of me, but I would of taken care of you...I could of loved you better than she could. I don't know why you won't give me a chance...I deserve one don't I? Am I such a horrible person to you that I don't deserve one? Boy, you rip me up inside, always telling me your sorry for hurting me. Damn boy if you'd just give me a chance I'd forgive you of anything and everything. You know I sit around all day hoping you will text me? I figure if you truly wish to talk to me you will text me...so when I don't hear from you for a long time I realize just how uninterested in me you are. Every day I hope that I will forget you and move on, but everyday I hope even more that you will love me like I love you. I hope one day soon you'll realize that the biggest mistake of your life was not giving me a chance. I hope you will read this one day and realize how you affect me. I can only hope...

First Note

My first post.. Wow this feels kind of weird but good. I think it will be nice to let everything out for once without anyone really knowing who I am. You see...as a highschooler I am forced to endure drama almost every day of my life. This is a good place to let out my true feelings and not be hated by my friends. I am tired of having to please everyone all the friggin' time. I hate being hated for being neutral in a fight or something. As an introduction I'd like to say I am not a fan of stupid people. They make me angry. Oh and douchebags. I dispise them. I love cute things, especially guys (called being a teen). But yeah, so...it begins?